By Chris Spags
Fun Fact: In many parts of our fair nation, it’s totally okay to marry a 16-year-old. So when former “LOST” star Doug Hutchison (he played Horace Goodspeed, leader of the DHARMA Initiative) married 16-year-old aspiring model and pop star Courtney Stodden, maybe it shouldn’t cause as much of a commotion as it has. But oh man, it has.
According to reports, the 51-year-old Hutchison owns the label releasing the pop-country teen starlet’s first album. And they got married this week in Las Vegas.
For clarification, this is Hutchison:
hutchson horace goodspeed Horace from LOST married hot 16 year old Courtney Stodden
And this is the teeny bopper Stodden:
courtney stodden Horace from LOST married hot 16 year old Courtney Stodden
This is their wedding photo (with a very boy band-looking Hutchison):
courtney stodden hutchison Horace from LOST married hot 16 year old Courtney Stodden
Just in case we’re still not clear, this is Stodden:
courtney stodden camo Horace from LOST married hot 16 year old Courtney Stodden
Here’s an artist’s rendering I made of a bikini photo I saw of her that’s no longer available online:
courtney stodden guitar Horace from LOST married hot 16 year old Courtney Stodden
Okay, table is now set.
According to Radar Online, the marriage is legal since her parents gave their consent. Stodden’s mother authorized the marriage to Hutchison despite being 35 years her daughter’s senior because they “love Doug.”
Here’s my stance: This is fucking weird. I mean seriously. This cherubic R-list dude is pulling tail like this? The hell am I doing wrong in life?
Here’s my other stance: We should probably have different laws for 16-year-olds who look like this. I mean can you really compare a girl who’s built like this, trying to make it in entertainment, has a pageant mom (Stodden was a former contender for the Miss Teen Washington crown) to some other teen girl listening to the Biebs and wondering why the boy in her math class won’t look at her? Seems like an unfair comparison. Plus, how else is ol’ Dougy going to pull this kind of tail? When she’s 18, she can do like a thousand times better than “that creepy botox-y dude from ‘Green Mile’”. So if Hutchison Polanski wants to strike before the chicken is totally hatched, it’s probably fair. He deserves the head start.
Either way, mazel tov to you two crazy kids.
In tribute to this beautiful totally-not-bullshit love affair, here’s Courtney Stodden’s hit song “”Don’t Put It on Me”, hopefully dedicated to Doug Hutchison’s dong.